I Left a Suicide Note to Come Out to My Father, Now I’m Living as My True Self

Born into a conservative Muslim family in Varanasi, my life and choices were always dictated by society and its norms. Growing up, I felt discomfort with my biological 'male' body as it didn't align with my gender identity.

Yes, my pronouns are she/her!

At the tender age of five, I found solace in my sister's dresses, but soon, my happy place was ravaged by endless mocking and name-calling. Then followed bullying, at school and even in my own neighbourhood. In no time, it turned more physical than verbal, throwing me into an abyss of dark times and suicidal thoughts. But, somehow I kept holding on, finding the inner strength to battle their violence, and survive!

When 10th Board exams were looming, even the teachers expected me to fail, because I always kept quiet in their class. But to everyone's surprise, I passed. In fact, for the first time, I felt proud of myself and gained the confidence to defy people's opinions of me, my life and my identity.

Another challenge was my family's weak economic condition. My father even struggled to pay the school fees. I was asked to contribute to the family income which meant discontinuing my studies. I was just promoted to grade 11!

Because of abandoning my education, and working long tedious hours with minimum wage, I realized there was no escape to a better life and I was forever doomed. Supporting a family of six at the age of 15 was exhausting, both physically and mentally. This shattered me completely and I decided to give up. I left a five pages long suicide note for my father. This is how I wanted to come out to him. I didn't have the courage to speak, but I was always good at writing.

Walking at the bank of the Ganges, early in the morning, I summoned the courage to end all this suffering for once and for all. But fate had other plans, and I somehow survived. Dismayed, I returned home, expecting my dad to kick me out, but that didn't happen. Instead, we sat cross-legged in opposite corners. Scared and emotional, we stared at each other until we burst into tears.

My dad with the suicide note in his hands, asked me, "Why didn't you talk to us before trying to end your life? How will we live, if you die?"

The conversation concluded with me agreeing to see a psychiatrist as demanded by Abba. This conversion therapy not only burnt a hole in our pockets but also led me to depression. Educating himself about transgenders and the LGBTQIA+ community, Abba started to accept me for who I was and supported me to come out to the rest of my family members. I am eternally grateful for his efforts and the love!

After completing my Senior Secondary Education and with my father's continued support, I decided to move forward in life. I started saving money and paid for my school fees. I further earned a graduation degree in BA (in the cheapest course) from Mahatma Gandhi Kashi Vidyapith, Varanasi through the little income I earned from offering tuition classes.

However, during college, I was also a part of the NCC and had to attend an NCC camp for 10 days. Unfortunately, during this time, bullying resurfaced, and I couldn't escape the situation because the camp was far from my home.

Staying in a room with many cisgender heterosexual men was quite frightening. Those 10 days turned into nightmares that shook me to the core and left me traumatized.

My health started deteriorating, and I didn't even realize how much weight I was losing, being unaware that I was dying. Nonetheless, I managed to appear in the final exams, not out of a desire to pass them, but rather as a sense of duty that I continued despite feeling hopeless about everything in my life.

My passion to study didn't stop me from applying for my master's despite being in this situation. I got selected for my master's and got the admission but I reached a situation where I was forced to get hospitalized to know the worse that I was suffering from abdominal tuberculosis making my life even more complex.

I had to take a smart decision to accept this tough challenge to save money for the 2 years long treatment without losing the chance to study my dream course and save money for that as well. Most of my income went into treatment, but I managed to complete it alongside my Master's degree, both lasting two years.

Recently, I began my transitioning, and while it brings new challenges, it feels incredibly liberating to live as my true self.

I'm ready to face whatever comes my way. It's all worth it.

~ Anam Ansaari